Who are you now?
by CharliSMILE
Summary: The Blacks after the war. Feelings and thoughts of what they had and lost.
1. Andromeda

Who are you now?

You wander aimlessly in the corridors of your house. Your grandson cries for his mother and father. But they are dead aren't they? You sleep in a bed all on your own. Ted's side is vacant and it always will be. Can you come to terms with that?

Can you believe that they all died at the hands of the sister that you used to love? Can you believe that she took a mother with a newly born baby? Can you believe that Bellatrix killed a your daughter? Your little girl?

Though you knew she would kill Ted. Deep down. You truly know that Bella would never leave you with a muggleborn. Ted knew the risk of marrying you. He told you once that he would marry you if it meant he only got one month being your husband.

But you never thought Bella would kill your daughter. You wonder what kind of a monster could do that. But you know your sister better than anyone. Better than Rodolphus, better than Narcissa, even better than lord Voldemort. And you know, that however evil she is, whatever kind of a monster she is, she killed them cause she missed you. She was deranged enough to think that you would go back to pureblood world after they were dead.

But she was wrong wasn't she? You hate her more than ever. You hate Voldemort for changing her. You hate Narcissa for believing her. You hate the death eaters for encouraging her. But they are all gone. They are all dead. Revenge was served. But it doesn't make you feel any better about what happened.

When you open the daily prophet the list of dead people brings tears to your eyes. But then you see a name right a the bottom. Bellatrix Elladora Black Lestrange. Your sister is dead to. But it only makes you feel worse. You have no one now. You had always hoped your sister would turn. And once the dark lord was dead. She might have. But now you'll never know. She is just a dead body in grave that will get gratified. It was certain no one would cry for her. Not even you. Your eyes fill with tears but they will never leave your eyes. They never will leave your eyes. Never again will you laugh like you used to. Never again will you cry. Never again will your face light up with that smile that Ted caused. Never again will you feel like a whole person.

You can try to laugh. But it will never be a true laugh. You can try to cry but you can't. You can try to bring that smile back, but its gone. You can try to feel like a person, but you won't. You never will.

Teddy Lupin makes you laugh.

(_But not like you used to.)_

Teddy Lupin makes you cry,

(_But the tears don't leave your eyes.)_

Teddy Lupin makes you smile.

(_But never the one that you once had.)_

But you are never whole. Are you Andromeda?

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**xox**

**Charli**


	2. Narcissa

Who are you now?

You lie in your bed. You hear a tiny noise on the stairs and you sit bolt upright but the door opens and it is just your husband going down for a drink of water.

Who did you think it was? Did you think they had come for you? That they had come to take revenge on you because of your betrayal? You almost want it. You almost want them to come. You feel you deserve it.

Or did you think it was your son? You think that he feels you are nothing but a coward. That you gave up lives of your friends and people you knew all for his. But deep down you know he is grateful. So is your husband. But how many of them had to pay for your bliss?

Or did you think it was the steps of your sister? Her are quieter than that. She used to come sometimes, when Lucius was out on duty. To discuss her latest adventure or plan. You thought nothing of it then. But now that you know you can never here those footsteps ever again. It seems like a big deal.

You killed her? You lead her to her death. So desperate to find your son you never thought about her. When the good side won and you got Draco and all was well. Did you care what happened to her? Or did you never think. In that moment of clarity did you take in what would happen to her.

She died in front of you. You saw the twinkle leave those beautiful eyes. She looked at you. You were the last thing she ever saw. She thought she would get back up and keep fighting. Bella had always beaten everyone else. Why couldn't she beat death as well?

You couldn't go to her. You just wanted your son to be safe. And now he is. Now your whole family is safe. The life that you wanted, you have it now.

But you aren't really here to live it. You are lost. You exist for the pure purpose of your family. But you are lost. You left a long time ago. Now you don't live. You just exist.

Don't you Narcissa?


	3. Regulus

Who are you now?

You lie in the bottom of a lake. Your body is preserved but you aren't alive. But you aren't dead either. You are just a slave to a man who is dead. You can't move on to be at peace with the world.

You are trapped between both worlds of life and death. But you don't belong in neither, do you? You chose this though, didn't you? When you finally had a chance to think, when you stopped following Bella for 5 seconds you realised she was wrong. But you had already lost everyone for her, hadn't you? You believed the whole time that Bella was good and right. But then you messed up. Your brother had left you with no warning. He was rash. But you cried for him, didn't you. But your anger seethed. He had no thoughts, he cared nothing for you when he left, or at least that's what you thought. So you turned to you cousin for guidance. She led you to power, to greatness, didn't she? She showed you a world of excitement and all you had to do was touch the darkness. She told you it wasn't far away? But it was, wasn't it. But you reached out and you grasped it anyway.

Andromeda tried to tell you, didn't she? She tried to lead you back to the light. But you only listened to Bella. So she left too and all of your chances of saviour were gone.

But then when finally had that moment of clarity, you knew what you had to do. You went out to the lake and you drank the potion. Your life was claimed in your search for redemption. Was it worth it? No one would know how the last thing in your free willed mind was your brother finally excepting your apology.

Your soul is trapped in body that it has no control over. You're trapped forever in the world of the dark ones. You still follow the master your last wish was to thwart. Everything you love and wanted you can barely remember now.

Would he be proud? Would Sirius find out one day and think of you as something good? Would it all be worth it just for Sirius to see you as a brother rather than an enemy?

No the dark lord is dead and no one can control your body or soul. Can they? You just lost. You can't touch, you can't feel. You can't even hope. What is there to hope for? Your soul is restless. It wants to move on.

To heaven or hell, it wants to move on. You could walk in both worlds but you belong in neither. You don't know what you are. Are you good? Or are you bad? Is Bella right? Or is Sirius? Should you have found a family and stayed out of the way like Andromeda and Narcissa? Or is this what you deserve? Questions, so many questions. No answers. You can never have answers. You can never have peace. You can never have your soul. You can never move on. You can only have one tiny, tiny, tiny speck of hope. It's not really yours. It's no bodies. But you know it is there.

That one day, maybe, Sirius will forgive you and he will save you from this.

But he's not coming.

Is he Regulus?


	4. Druella

Who are you now?

You sit in your house. You are old and tired. Why don't you give up? Everyone else did. But you wanted to see the end. To see what would happen to your daughters.

They don't think about you. They barely remember you even exist. Your first daughter believed everyone things she was raised too. She followed her purpose. You know deep down that she was always your favourite, don't you? She was happy and proud of her heritage. She fell in love with a pure man and everything was good. But then she forgot how to love, didn't she. She gave up her life for a man who promised her the world. She gave up her love, she gave up her soul, and she gave up her schooling, didn't she? But when she had to give up her cousin, she turned bitter. Do you remember? The light left her eyes; the smile left her cheeks, the mischievous wrinkle left her nose. She looked awful. She gave it up for a man who promised her the world and gave her death. And it was your fault wasn't it? You gave her up without a fight? You lead her down that path; you shoved her into the dark forest. And now she is a true air to the Blacks. And now she dead.

Your second daughter you disliked. You could tell she was different. She questioned your ways. She didn't believe in purity. And then she ran of with some run-of-the-mill ditryblooded boy and shamed you all. And out of all the Blacks she was the only one, somewhere in her life, who felt true happiness. Now she is empty. And again it is your fault.

Your third daughter was promising. She was the one who did what she was supposed too. And now she is unhappy as well. And it is still your fault.

But now you are alone as well. But for the first time in your life you feel it don't you? Feel that remorse? Feel the guilt for what Bella did? Feel the pain of what you did to the bright shiny girls? Feel the hurt that you split up the wild black haired girl with dark eyes, and the boy who would love her? You feel responsible for Sirius and Bella, don't. The amount they used to care and cherish each other. And then the hated it other till it killed them both and you'll never be at peace.

But your alone now. Not in Black manor. Not anywhere. Just an old wizard house no one remembers. For all they know and care you might be dead. It wasn't worth all this hate, just to continue a line of purity that no longer exists.

Was it Druella?

**Thanks for reading and reviews are given cookies. **

**What Black should be next?**

**xoxoxox**

**Charli**


	5. Sirius

Who are you now?

No one knows hell like you do, do they? You have been to so many of them an in all of them you are trapped inside your own mind?

She put you through the hardest things. She made you feel it. She gave you true emotions. Didn't she? Bellatrix may be spiteful but you still loved her. And that was what was truly hurt you the most. You left her because of the shell she was turning you all into. You alone were strong enough to fight her current. Once you put a hole in it Andromeda followed. But you Sirius, were as strong as Bellatrix herself.

She was heaven and hell all in one. If you tried to get to heaven she would trick you and lead you to hell right next to her.

But you can't escape her for long. Somehow even when you leave her, someone else takes you to hell. You get barred up in prison forced to relive you very worst memories. You were going mad inside your own skull. Even your dog form could not save you.

But then she makes it worse. She shows up right front of you. So skinny and pale. You can't bear to see her like this. But she saves you. When she laughs Hysterically and punches the guards she saves you. She shows you that she isn't Bella anymore. She shows you the monster of Bellatrix Lestrange.

You grew up with her. You could not be defined by just Sirius. Its was always Sirius and Bella. Wasn't it? Or those too Blacks in the garden, or the two black haired kids who dropped egg on my new hat, or the two uncontrollable messy haired kids wild and free as the wind itself.

As you got older and went to Hogwarts you were still joined at the hip. As you repeatedly stole her homework notes. You were always the strange people who argue a lot or that Slytherin and Gryffindor who hang around each other.

Finally you were known as Sirius Black. She was changing. You knew it. She didn't meet you after class. She was out all hours of the night and came back drunk as hell. She was still your favourite person. But James was too close to becoming better than her that it was scaring you.

When you saw the black skull on her arm it haunts you to this day. You grabbed you bag and ran for the life of you. Now you were no longer Sirius Black to the pure world. You were just the dirty one, or the disowned Black, The bad kid, the messed up kid, _The Gryffindor._

But then after her Azkaban, you were nothing, you were just hollow, trapped in the house you fled from. You weren't anything but a renegade. You thought you were bad. And when you opened your arms in the department of mysteries, You were asking her to save you again.

And she did. Didn't she Sirius?


	6. Bellatrix

Who are you now?

So this is it. This is the end of the line for you. Everyone says you can be at peace but you can't. You are now cleansed. They healed you; they got rid of your hate and your anger. The got rid of your need to maim, torture, kill and destroy. But when they did that they took away your purpose.

You see there is no heaven and hell for you. There is only your mind and what you think you deserve. Once you could see what you had done, you didn't belong in fire and ice. You belonged in loneliness and pain. Everyday being forced to relive what you did.

Look down on what you made your family into.

A renegade

A traitor

A confused man

A lonely woman

A psycho killer

Slowly as the years went by. Less and less of your hearts survived.

Now look at the end product you created.

A man lost in some hell alone and defeated.

An empty shell, lost and broken looking after a child that's not even hers.

A lost soul in a lake of dead.

A scared woman jumping at every noise. Waiting for you to return to her.

A woman lost forever in the insanity of her own mind.

Was it worth it? For the cause? Now you look back down. You see your life rushing in front of you. All that you did.

Was it worth it for what you could have done?

Remember the first time you killed something? You were only six. The bird wouldn't stop singing and you wanted to sleep. You kept wishing it would be quiet. And then a green light emitted from you and the bird died.

Do you remember rushing outside and cradling the bird? Begging it to come back to life and crow again. Do you remember crying and saying you were sorry over and over again? Do you remember bursting into tears when you realised what you had done and promised to never ever do it again? Do you remember burying it in the forest on your grounds? Do you remember calling him Smokey and coming to visit it everyday for years? Do you remember being to ashamed to tell anyone what you had done? You felt so bad. But you told Smokey all about life to make sure he didn't miss anything.

How far you have come since then.

Do you remember the life before Hogwarts. The innocence and the laughter. The sheer joy at being alive.

On your last day before Hogwarts. You told Sirius what you had done to Smokey. And he wasn't cross with you. He hugged you and promised to visit Smokey when you weren't there.

Do you remember your first dance? Who it was with? You were to shy to ask anyone to dance or accept any requests. But the Sirius took you by the hand and promised to dance if you would dance with him. For him only, you said yes because it felt like all those times you had practised in one of the lounges. Do you remember feeling so light and happy to be dancing with your best friend? The one you shared everything with? The one that even you identity was joined?

Do you remember Rodolphus Lestrange interrupting you and asking fro a dance. Which Sirius had given you the courage to except. But maybe if you hadn't, things would be different.

Do you remember a cold man with bright red eyes looking you in the eyes and saying how fine you were and stroking your cheek? Do you remember calling him a stupid retard with a ridiculous name and trying to pull away? Do you remember him names going deeper into your skin and leaving three scratches? Do you remember swearing every single word you could think of at him? Do you remember telling him to take him and his retarded butt out of your ball? Do you remember Sirius charging at him but the man hit him so hard he flew against the opposite wall? Do you remember calling him a name it is unfit to be heard in this world? Do you remember him rewarding you for your bravery and telling you that you will make a wonderful servant? Do you remember thinking: Yeah right as if I would ever join that frickin lunatic? Do you remember rushing to Sirius? But as you remember the man's amazing entrance an exit, you kinda took to him a tiny tiny bit.

Do you remember killing and torturing? Do you remember the night you got the dark mark? Do you remember Sirius's seeing it while you were passed out drunk? Do you remember him fleeing for his life?

Do you remember Andromeda looking you in the eye for the last time? The look of sorrow and the knowing she had finally lost you. As she gave up and walked out the door just as Sirius had.

Do you remember throwing everything at the wall? Do you remember smashing everything you could find for the loss of the people you loved most?

Do you remember the day you heard Regulus was dead. How you didn't even look concerned. You were too used to it then. You had already got past the fact the world was trying to hurt you.

The night you killed Sirius was hard on both of you? Do you remember fighting to stun him not to kill him? Do you remember him holding out his arms and giving you a look of understanding? You knew that it meant: Bella it hurts too much. You saved me once now save me again. I want it to be you. You who gave me everything, now take it away.

So you did.

You have cried twice in your life and meant it, once was the night Sirius left, twice was the time he left for good.

But you already knew the world wanted to break you. But it could torture you, it could take the ones you love, it could lock you 12 years in a prison of insanity living your worst memories again and again, it could force you to kill the person you never wanted to, hell it could even kill you.

But you are never broken.

Are you Bellatrix?

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**Heya guys. I am thinking about one last chapter to conclude it. But the more reviews I get the more likley it is. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.**

**Anyway to the people who did review, YOU GUYS ROCK! Gives cookies to all reviewers**

**Every Reviewer gets a cookie.**

**Buh-bye**

**xoxoxoxox**

**Bellatrix (AKA Charli)**


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